Thursday, February 11, 2016

Finding what was, or is it really reinventing the wheel?

Oh let me tell you, this post right here has been a few years in the making, literally...... This poor blog was left behind when life got too busy. In all fairness it's been thought about over the years, and almost lost forever, until tonight.

 But now, now I'm wishing that I would've kept blogging and sharing my life for what it's worth. At least I would've had a running memory log to revert back too when times are dire. But such is life really. We plan, we do, we leave at the waist side, and we regret. So..... what have I been doing over the years? I'd like to say that I found myself, and I've had a few good years of experience with life lessons that are rich with wisdom. SO, let me cut the bullshit. I've been spinning my wheels, and trying to reinvent this same damn wheel for 3 years now. Yeah I'm shamefully, and publicly  admitting that I've wasted 3 years of my life. I will give myself credit and say, I did do a career change, and now work in critical care. Still back breaking...But at least the patient's are a little bit more appreciative. I don't know sometimes a literal chance that you might die, tends to make people perk up, and be just a tad less a-hole-ish. Also, I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually starting to really enjoy nursing again. But that will be a post for another day.

However, back to tonight, and the fate of my little blog....Tonight was weird in some respects, I felt a coming together within myself that I haven't had in such a very long time. See, for those that don't follow me on Facebook, I've had  2 kids graduate from high school, one of the two has moved out on her own, and the other just left for a 18 month LDS Mission to Japan. Our freshly minted 18 year old  as of last week will be graduating this year, and wants to serve a LDS mission as well. So, the dilemma for me is, I'll be down to two kids. JUST TWO KIDS LEFT AT HOME!!!! What the what!!! I should be rejoicing thinking of all the free time I'll have with just managing two kids, and not 5. But you see, I'm 42 and finding this part of life hard. For 21 years I've been someones mom, I've had the house packed with my kids and all the neighborhood kids, there's been plays, concerts, parent teacher conference, and dinner to be cooked for 7. So come this summer I'll be a mom that cooks dinner for 4, and I don't know how to feel about this. I should be excited and thrilled that I have 3 successful and wonderful adults that Duane and I have unleashed on society. However, I can't. My heart hurts, and it shouldn't. But it does.

I think back about how hard it had to be for my own mother to let me go and be my own kind of adult. How her heart had to ache at letting go of one part parenthood, and embracing another. Hell,  I made her a grandmother at around the same age that I am now. ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS RAVEN....DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!! You stick to being the human parent to your new kitty Boots, and finishing college. #Hashtag I'm serious#

But tonight, tonight as I made dinner, I thought back to how different my life was prior to my last posting on this blog. I realized that the person I use to be is still somewhere within, The person who loved gardening, and Joanns fabric. The person who had plans for travel, and a little bit of freedom. She slowly peeked her head around the corner of my mind, and she let me know that coming into your own at 42 is just what this pre mid life crisis with a twist of empty nest around the corner is OK, and I'm good with that. That the 3 years of spining wheels was really just a transition period. Because these next few years are gonna be good.