Tis' the Season?

  As I walked into my apartment this morning after a 12 hour night shift, my heart sank. Now this is where I have to admit, confess actually my selfishness publicly. Why? Because,  I know I'm  not the only one who has these dark filled thoughts. The thoughts: it's the end of the year, it's Christmas and I have gifts to buy with no money, and then with the commercialization of Christmas, only lays out my defeat like a card game coming to an end with a hand full of spades. This only proves that I as a parent haven't provided the way I envisioned Christmas should be.  This turns my reflections towards thoughts of my past mistakes which are being paid now, in full with my present situation, and the interest on that loan is eating my future alive.  I wrestle that I haven't provided enough for my children, that they unfortunately get to witness first hand not what to do in your 20, 30, and now 40's.  This Christmas season we're not in a home with a picturesque window that I've envisioned overlooking a lawn adorned with twinkling animated reindeers, and a blow up Santa lighting the way to a home filled with Christmas busting at the seams. Lately, I've become tormented with my inner demons that have creeped into my present day thought processes, that I'm second-rate.  I dread, I'll always struggle with self worth I suppose. Which brings to me to this conclusion, I've been so ungrateful lately, like the glass is half empty, and I'm choking on that bitter, jagged egg nog flavored pill, type ungrateful. It's been a shameful ungrateful, really, that makes me hang my head low. 

  The keen moment I became aware of the  self-centered, thankless mood that I have allowed to occupy me this Christmas season hit me like a blast of warm heat on a bitter, cold winter morning, literally.  As I opened the door into my world this morning, I glimpsed over all that was sacred to me. It may not be the house I imagine, but it was a home, my home. The Christmas tree that lights the living room is topped with a star which helps reminds me that "Wise men still seek him." As my best friend Anne prepares to spend her last Christmas with her mother this year, whom is on hospice, as I FaceTime with my own sister, who is literally fighting a battle of life and death as she waits for a liver on a transplant list, or as I take care of a patient who was healthy two weeks ago, but now has a terminal brain tumor, I realize all the things that are right.  I have the gifts that the Good News of the Gospel provides. I know that this life is the second act, in a three act play, and that my happily ever after comes in the third act. I know families are forever, and that I am my brothers keeper. I grasp that Heavenly Father loved me enough to give me free agency and the opportunity to work out my salvation. I'm thankful to have experiences in this life to help me recognize just how bittersweet life really can be. As our family opens small and humble gifts this year around the Christmas tree, which is a beautiful evergreen decorated with ornaments that remind me of family, friends and special memories, I will remember the true gifts of Christmas. In particular, Christmas is a reminder and celebration of eternal life that was given to us, freely, and selflessly by a loving Heavenly Father. That no matter my mistakes in this life ( grammar and so forth:) I've been given the gift of life, health, and the gospel. Know this, the Savior, has demonstrated the value of our worth and HE PAID it in full, with spades. My hope this Christmas, we find the things we truly are grateful for.